No, I do not need to apologize for neglecting my duties to this blog. I am a messiah, with important stuff to do! Writing posts on here is not my top priotitie!
But I am forced into service to the blog again to decry a new DVD release of this film that makes me look ridiculous. The director or producer or whoever managed to get these lies in stores this fall. I repeat -- DO NOT BUY THESE LIES. LIES LIES LIES. LYING LIARS AND THE LIES THEY LIE ABOUT!
A messiah's work is never done. Especially when there are liars to smite. I smite thee, Chris Hansen. I smite thee all over the place!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Witness My Miracles
...or at least a good, solid description of one of them. In the YouTube clip linked below, you'll hear about one of my astounding miracles. And this is the TRUE story -- not the edited version shown in the film about me. The edited version makes me look stupid. But here you'll see what I really said -- all of it -- and you'll know the truth.
And the truth shall make you worship me.
And the truth shall make you worship me.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Technology is the Devil
Technology is full of many evils. One of the main ones is that it prevents me from quickly spreading my messiahly message. I have been trying to get this dang video posted on the YouTube interweb for many weeks, and it's finally here. Witness the latest video clip proving my messiahness, and bow down to worship (me, not the clip):
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Slackers Need to Post
Okay, all you people who believe or who obviously NEED to believe in my messiahness, I expect you to ask questions, so I can answer you and provide guidance that will enrichen your lives.
So, let's get to asking the tough ones (and no trick questions please).
Best questions will be given their own spotlight posts.
So, let's get to asking the tough ones (and no trick questions please).
Best questions will be given their own spotlight posts.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Doritos are Heavenly, in more ways than one
This morning I spent all morning looking at the animated icon above and thinking about the need for me to crush SIN in the lives of my followers and in the lives of the less fortunate among me who as of yet don't know about my power. Sometimes I’m not sure if these thoughts are "of the Lord" or "of myself" or "of something else other than me or the Lord" or "of the Devil" or "of someone like the devil who died but is now working for him", but this time I was sure of it.
I was eating Doritos and watching television (now known more casually, I am told, by the abbreviation "t.v.") When I'm eating Doritos and watching "t.v." is a good time for God to reach me usually cause it’s right between my morning and afternoon naps so I'm usually not too busy and I'm ready for some commands or something.) And I took out a handful of Doritos. We’ve all done this from time to time, but not usually in such a spiritual way like me. And because my hand was so full of a handful of Doritos, I accidentally crushed them and they fell out of my hand and down to the BOTTOM OF THE BAG.
"The BOTTOM OF THE BAG!", I thought as I stared right down into the bottom of the bag. (This I did after I licked my fingers from "Dorito dust," which is one of the best tastes ever -- especially on my fingers, but not as much when you do it with a spoon from the bottom of the bag. <---See! Again with the "Bottom of the Bag."
Do you get it? Well, I did too.
I thought about how Jesus is looking forward to crushing sinners in his mighty grasp and letting them fall into the pit of hell. How all that crap about peace and loving was gonna be done with some day and J.Christ was gonna open a can of Whoop-Buttinsky on people that have been disobeying me and generally making fun of me, (you know who you are…) , and it really peaced me inside.
(Note: When you think of Jesus opening that SPECIAL CAN, don’t think of him using a stupid can-opener or something, cause that would take like 40 seconds and kill all the intensity of the moment. Instead, think about him, eyes bulging red, hair on fire, ripping the lid off of like a 10# can with His bare hands and screaming like a barbarian, cause that’s what it’s gonna really be like. I hate to have to tell you people that, but that's what He said it would be like if you don't straighten up.)
Then I thought to myself that the money I’m gonna get from the film that guy made and the super powers and the swag I get from some of the film festivals isn’t ALL ABOUT ME. It’s really not. IT’S ABOUT MY MINISTRY! So even if it is WRONG WRONG WRONG about me and misrepresents me, it can still be good for me by giving me money.
My ministry of destroying sin for Jesus needs to continue. And, unfortunately that sometimes means destroying the people who carry the sin around inside of their wickedness. It’s not that I like having to ruin people’s day and reveal evil wherever it hides. That’s just what I’ve been called to do. So sue me! (No, don't really. I can't afford a lawyer right now).
So today I’m feeling stronger than ever about my ministry. If you’d like to have the kind of strength you see in me so you don’t get crushed when Jesus comes back, you should write me some e-mail at the address here on my blog.
I was eating Doritos and watching television (now known more casually, I am told, by the abbreviation "t.v.") When I'm eating Doritos and watching "t.v." is a good time for God to reach me usually cause it’s right between my morning and afternoon naps so I'm usually not too busy and I'm ready for some commands or something.) And I took out a handful of Doritos. We’ve all done this from time to time, but not usually in such a spiritual way like me. And because my hand was so full of a handful of Doritos, I accidentally crushed them and they fell out of my hand and down to the BOTTOM OF THE BAG.
"The BOTTOM OF THE BAG!", I thought as I stared right down into the bottom of the bag. (This I did after I licked my fingers from "Dorito dust," which is one of the best tastes ever -- especially on my fingers, but not as much when you do it with a spoon from the bottom of the bag. <---See! Again with the "Bottom of the Bag."
Do you get it? Well, I did too.
I thought about how Jesus is looking forward to crushing sinners in his mighty grasp and letting them fall into the pit of hell. How all that crap about peace and loving was gonna be done with some day and J.Christ was gonna open a can of Whoop-Buttinsky on people that have been disobeying me and generally making fun of me, (you know who you are…) , and it really peaced me inside.
(Note: When you think of Jesus opening that SPECIAL CAN, don’t think of him using a stupid can-opener or something, cause that would take like 40 seconds and kill all the intensity of the moment. Instead, think about him, eyes bulging red, hair on fire, ripping the lid off of like a 10# can with His bare hands and screaming like a barbarian, cause that’s what it’s gonna really be like. I hate to have to tell you people that, but that's what He said it would be like if you don't straighten up.)
Then I thought to myself that the money I’m gonna get from the film that guy made and the super powers and the swag I get from some of the film festivals isn’t ALL ABOUT ME. It’s really not. IT’S ABOUT MY MINISTRY! So even if it is WRONG WRONG WRONG about me and misrepresents me, it can still be good for me by giving me money.
My ministry of destroying sin for Jesus needs to continue. And, unfortunately that sometimes means destroying the people who carry the sin around inside of their wickedness. It’s not that I like having to ruin people’s day and reveal evil wherever it hides. That’s just what I’ve been called to do. So sue me! (No, don't really. I can't afford a lawyer right now).
So today I’m feeling stronger than ever about my ministry. If you’d like to have the kind of strength you see in me so you don’t get crushed when Jesus comes back, you should write me some e-mail at the address here on my blog.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
DON'T BUY THE MOVIE!
The director of the movie about me has mentioned that DVDs are now for sale, and he won't let me use the footage from his "movie" (I put in quotation markers because it is hardly a movie at all, after all it is COMPLETELY FALSIFIED) if I let him put an ad for his "movie" on my blog. So fine, Mr. Director -- your ad is there on the right.
But for the record -- DON'T BUY HIS MOVIE!! It is NOT the real truth.
You can see the REAL truth about me and my messiah-ship on YouTube, where I will be posting my edit of the footage for all to see. HIS version is all edited and tries to make me look funny. I AM NOT FUNNY. I AM DEADLY SERIOUS.
So, yes, you can buy a 2-disc special edition with a bunch of extras at http://www.customflix.com/221546, but I'm only telling you this because I am congtractually obligated to. Not because you should buy it. You shouldn't. If you feel the need to waste $22.95, waste it by sending it to me. Cut out the middleman. Maybe if I get enough money from you people, I'll go on a world-tour or something (no promises, though -- I might just spend the money on that laser eye surgery. They tell me I'm not a candidate for it, but I know they're lying).
Sincerely,
Brian -- a local, regional messiah
But for the record -- DON'T BUY HIS MOVIE!! It is NOT the real truth.
You can see the REAL truth about me and my messiah-ship on YouTube, where I will be posting my edit of the footage for all to see. HIS version is all edited and tries to make me look funny. I AM NOT FUNNY. I AM DEADLY SERIOUS.
So, yes, you can buy a 2-disc special edition with a bunch of extras at http://www.customflix.com/221546, but I'm only telling you this because I am congtractually obligated to. Not because you should buy it. You shouldn't. If you feel the need to waste $22.95, waste it by sending it to me. Cut out the middleman. Maybe if I get enough money from you people, I'll go on a world-tour or something (no promises, though -- I might just spend the money on that laser eye surgery. They tell me I'm not a candidate for it, but I know they're lying).
Sincerely,
Brian -- a local, regional messiah
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